Lesson 5: Don’t look forward to happiness; live it now.

Author's note: I am a compulsive advice-giver-always have been.  When my own son was in high school, he wasn't interested in his old man's advice so I wrote it down in the hope that he might change his mind one day.  What follows is one piece of the that advice.  I trust it applies to all of us, regardless of age.

A great obstacle to happiness is to anticipate too great a happiness.

                                                                                                                           —Fontenelle
 

A young man I know moved with his family from a large northern city to a small southern town during the summer before his senior year in high school. Such a move would be a tough challenge for any young person, but it was especially hard on David. He had been happy and involved in his previous school, with lots of friends and activities. Now he was starting his senior year in an unfamiliar environment. He had no friends and found himself surrounded by a whole culture that was foreign to him. Sometimes, listening to the local accent and regional slang, he even had trouble understanding the language.

As you might imagine, David was wretchedly unhappy. He knew he’d be unhappy even before the move. The one thought that sustained him was his plan to move himself back to his old hometown immediately after graduation. He just knew that if he could get back home, everything would be fine again.

Graduation came and went. David packed some stuff in an old van, said goodbye to his parents, and pointed north. Once he got there, he got a job and settled into an apartment with a longtime friend as a roommate. And guess what? That’s right; he was still miserable.

Here’s an even more extreme example: Matt made a similar move just before his senior year. He moved from an even larger city—in France, no less—to tiny town in rural North Carolina. And Matt came alone, with no family and just a basic grasp of the English language. But far from being unhappy, Matt had a great senior year. He made lots of friends and got involved in many activities. The return to his home at the end of the year was bittersweet.

You see, David made several mistakes. First, he had a negative attitude about the move south. Second, he didn’t adapt to his new surroundings. Third, he thought that his happiness depended on his circumstances. And Matt? Well, Matt was an exchange student. He wanted to be there. As a result, his attitude was positive, he adapted quickly, and he relished the unfamiliar surroundings.

Decide to be happy now, in this moment, regardless of the circumstances. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that happiness will come later, once certain conditions are met. It won’t. Remember: happiness doesn’t come to you. You must create it within yourself.

Lesson 4: Happiness is a permanent condition.

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Author's note: I am a compulsive advice-giver-always have been.  When my own son was in high school, he wasn't interested in his old man's advice so I wrote it down in the hope that he might change his mind one day.  What follows is one piece of the that advice.  I trust it applies to all of us, regardless of age.

Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy.

—Cynthia Nelms

Let’s clarify the difference between happiness and gladness. Gladness is a temporary feeling brought on by some good event or circumstance. Happiness is a permanent state of mind that remains unaffected by events or circumstances.

You were glad when you graduated from college or high school. You’d be glad—thrilled—if you won the lottery. Even something as momentous as the birth of a child causes gladness, but not happiness. As important as all these events are, they are circumstances—things which happen to or around you. They do not have the power to make you happy or unhappy. That power rests with you alone.

It’s quite simple, really. We create our own happiness by what we think and do. Earl Nightingale put it this way: “Happiness is a by-product of something else. It comes from the direction in which we’re moving.” This sentiment is in perfect accord with Martha Washington’s notion that happiness depends on our dispositions rather than our circumstances.

In other words, if you seek happiness directly, you’ll surely fail. It comes as a result of (1) making a decision to be a happy person, and (2) living the kind of worthwhile, useful life that leads to happiness.

Easier said than done? Not really. We’ve already established that you control both your decisions and your behavior.

I’m not asking you to become a different person—far from it. You are uniquely you, and that fact should be celebrated. But you’re not the exact same person today that you were at ten years old, are you? You’ve even changed some in the past year or two, right? And you’ll continue to evolve as you work your way through adulthood.

Most important, make the decision to consciously direct your own thinking and attitude. As you go through this book, let the lessons soak in. As you incorporate them into your daily living, I suspect that over time your behavior may change as well. After all, your behavior is bound to evolve over the years anyway, is it not? Why not exercise control over that change in a way that benefits you and those around you?