Lesson 8: Time flies—even when you’re not having fun.

Author's note: I am a compulsive advice-giver-always have been.  When my own son was in high school, he wasn't interested in his old man's advice so I wrote it down in the hope that he might change his mind one day.  What follows is one piece of that advice.  I trust it applies to all of us, regardless of age.

Too soon old, too late smart.

—Old Pennsylvania Dutch saying

This is not a complicated concept, but it’s deep, and most people never wake up to it until late in life.

The great philosopher Ferris Bueller once said, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” Truer words were never spoken. Life speeds by in the blink of an eye, and the older you get, the faster it seems to go.

In what will seem like two weeks, you’re going to be old. I don’t mean two weeks older than you are now; I mean old. Even as you read the words on this page, you are hurtling inescapably toward old age. Short of dying early, there’s nothing you can do to stop the process.

Most young people don’t really understand that today’s old fuddy-duddies are yesterday’s young punks. The reverse, of course, is that you are tomorrow’s old fuddy-duddy. Between now and then, you’ll probably have a series of jobs and eventually retire; possibly marry and have children and grandchildren of your own; make a fortune and probably spend most of it; and experience great excitement, great boredom, great joy, and great anguish.

In short, what happens between now and old age is the great adventure of life. Relish it, savor it, enjoy every moment. Imagine the things you’ll learn, the wisdom you’ll gain, the lives you’ll touch with each passing day and year. And the process doesn’t stop once you reach old age; the adventure continues until your final breath.

But there’s another secret here that you shouldn’t miss. The process of growing old is the process of living, which is to say that it is a wonderful and glorious process. It follows, then, that being old is not a thing to dread, but a badge of honor for a life well spent. It also follows that those who are old now have a lot to teach you.

You know that time flies. You know that it seems to go faster with each passing year. Each moment is precious; use it well. As Gandalf said in Tolkien’s The Fellowship of the Ring, “All we have to decide is what to do with the time that’s given to us.”

Decide wisely.

Lesson 7: Have a set of values and live by them.

Author's note: I am a compulsive advice-giver-always have been.  When my own son was in high school, he wasn't interested in his old man's advice so I wrote it down in the hope that he might change his mind one day.  What follows is one piece of that advice.  I trust it applies to all of us, regardless of age.

Beliefs constitute the basic stratum, that which lies deepest, in the architecture of our life. By them we live, and by the same token we rarely think of them.

—José Ortega y Gasset

Your values serve as your internal compass. They guide your actions. When you find yourself in a situation where you’re unsure of what to do, your personal belief system will tell you what is right to guide your actions.

This compass will be vitally important in countless situations throughout your life, especially when you find yourself under pressure. If you have a hard-wired set of values, you’ll be more likely to act in a way that you’ll be proud of afterwards.

In order to reap those benefits later, however, you have to take some time now to define for yourself what your values are.

You already have a set of values; you just need to clarify them in your own mind. Your values have been influenced over the years by your parents, teachers, mentors, role models, and friends. But while others have a hand in the process, your values must be your own—nobody else’s.

Fred “Mr. Rogers” Rogers once wrote, “I doubt that we can ever successfully impose values or attitudes or behaviors on children—certainly not by threat, guilt, or punishment.” That also holds true for adults, but it has never stopped people from trying—just human nature, I guess.

So the challenge for you is to separate the beliefs that belong to others from those that are really your own. Use your best judgment and try to sort through your own biases. Just as it doesn’t make sense to simply accept your parents’ values without testing them for yourself, it also doesn’t make sense to blindly reject those values out of youthful rebelliousness or a desire for independence.

If you believe something to be true, then it doesn’t matter where you first heard it. If it’s true, it’s true. Just make sure you can reconcile that truth in your own mind.

Understand also that your values and beliefs are likely to evolve over the years. But once you are clear about what you believe, you will find that the answers to tough questions will come much more easily.

Lesson 6: It’s time to take responsibility.

-->

Author's note: I am a compulsive advice-giver-always have been.  When my own son was in high school, he wasn't interested in his old man's advice so I wrote it down in the hope that he might change his mind one day.  What follows is one piece of that advice.  I trust it applies to all of us, regardless of age.

When I was a child, I spoke as a child,

I felt as a child, I thought as a child.

Now that I have become a man,

I have put away childish things.

—1 Corinthians 13:11

World English Bible 

 

In almost every state, once you reach the age of eighteen, you’re legally on your own. In the eyes of the law, you’re totally responsible for—and held accountable for—your own actions.

That fact frequently causes indignation in eighteen year olds. It most often takes the form of the old cliché “I’m old enough to die for my country, but I’m too young to buy a beer.”

Fair or not, that’s the way it is. And the sooner you embrace responsibility, the happier you’ll be. Being a responsible person is not a burden to be avoided. On the contrary, you now have the complete ability to determine the direction of your own life.

The idea of being a responsible adult is probably the greatest opportunity of your young life, but it comes at a price. We’ve already touched on the upside: you’re now your own person. You can live where and how you want, do whatever you want (as long as it’s legal), and do what you want with your life.

Now for the cost. It’s just the flip side of the same coin. You now have nobody but yourself to blame for almost everything. You—and only you—are responsible for every single aspect of your own life.

Actions have consequences; even inaction has consequences. It’s the price you pay to be in the game. Nothing’s free. You can do—or not do—just about anything you want. Just be willing to pay the price. As soon as you understand how the game works, you can make it work for you. You’ll wear responsibility as comfortably as the clothes on your back.

Many people never accept this simple concept, and as a result they are miserable until the day they die. They live what Thoreau called “lives of quiet desperation.” All the while, they blame cruel fate, cruel people, or a cruel world for their misery. They’d rather be unhappy than face the fact that they live in a world of their own making.

Don’t let that happen to you. Don’t blame anyone for your troubles—not even yourself. Take responsibility for the kind of person you will be, for creating your own life. You’ll find that—far from being a burden—responsibility is one of the secrets to a lifetime of happiness.

Lesson 5: Don’t look forward to happiness; live it now.

Author's note: I am a compulsive advice-giver-always have been.  When my own son was in high school, he wasn't interested in his old man's advice so I wrote it down in the hope that he might change his mind one day.  What follows is one piece of the that advice.  I trust it applies to all of us, regardless of age.

A great obstacle to happiness is to anticipate too great a happiness.

                                                                                                                           —Fontenelle
 

A young man I know moved with his family from a large northern city to a small southern town during the summer before his senior year in high school. Such a move would be a tough challenge for any young person, but it was especially hard on David. He had been happy and involved in his previous school, with lots of friends and activities. Now he was starting his senior year in an unfamiliar environment. He had no friends and found himself surrounded by a whole culture that was foreign to him. Sometimes, listening to the local accent and regional slang, he even had trouble understanding the language.

As you might imagine, David was wretchedly unhappy. He knew he’d be unhappy even before the move. The one thought that sustained him was his plan to move himself back to his old hometown immediately after graduation. He just knew that if he could get back home, everything would be fine again.

Graduation came and went. David packed some stuff in an old van, said goodbye to his parents, and pointed north. Once he got there, he got a job and settled into an apartment with a longtime friend as a roommate. And guess what? That’s right; he was still miserable.

Here’s an even more extreme example: Matt made a similar move just before his senior year. He moved from an even larger city—in France, no less—to tiny town in rural North Carolina. And Matt came alone, with no family and just a basic grasp of the English language. But far from being unhappy, Matt had a great senior year. He made lots of friends and got involved in many activities. The return to his home at the end of the year was bittersweet.

You see, David made several mistakes. First, he had a negative attitude about the move south. Second, he didn’t adapt to his new surroundings. Third, he thought that his happiness depended on his circumstances. And Matt? Well, Matt was an exchange student. He wanted to be there. As a result, his attitude was positive, he adapted quickly, and he relished the unfamiliar surroundings.

Decide to be happy now, in this moment, regardless of the circumstances. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that happiness will come later, once certain conditions are met. It won’t. Remember: happiness doesn’t come to you. You must create it within yourself.