Lesson 13: Your expectations will usually come true.

Author's note: I am a compulsive advice-giver-always have been.  When my own son was in high school, he wasn't interested in his old man's advice so I wrote it down in the hope that he might change his mind one day.  What follows is one piece of that advice.  I trust it applies to all of us, regardless of age.

You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them.

—Michael Jordan

It’s called the Pygmalion Effect—also known as the self-fulfilling prophecy—and it’s real. If we expect a positive outcome, we’ll probably get it. If we expect a negative outcome, it’s likely to happen.

A lot of research has been done on school children in this area. Robert Rosenthal and Lenoir Jacobson performed studies at elementary schools where teachers were given the names of a select group of high-achieving students. The teachers were told that because these kids were so intelligent, they would probably excel over their lower-performing classmates.

Sure enough, those smart kids performed like smart kids. They got good grades, and they generally showed significant improvement on end-of-the-year tests. There was only one catch: the “smart” kids weren’t really any smarter than the others. In fact, they had been chosen completely at random.

The real difference had been the expectations of the teachers—and as a result, their treatment of the students. Later studies have confirmed this effect in adults as well.

Your expectations become your own self-fulfilling prophecy. This applies to events both big and small. The reason is simple: if you really believe that you will do a great job, your subconscious mind will guide your behavior to be consistent with that belief, and you will indeed be an outstanding employee, student, or whatever.

If, on the other hand, you view yourself as not being good at something, you’ll have no motivation to improve. What would be the point? You know you can’t do it, so why waste your time trying to get better?

Do you see where this is going? Just knowing about the self-fulfilling prophecy can be a tremendous help to you in your life. Remember: you have complete control over your own thinking. It naturally follows that you have control over your own expectations.

So what’s it going to be? You can expect misfortune—and almost certainly bring it on—or you can expect great things from yourself. Just remember that you have no one but yourself to blame for your own expectations.

Lesson 8: Time flies—even when you’re not having fun.

Author's note: I am a compulsive advice-giver-always have been.  When my own son was in high school, he wasn't interested in his old man's advice so I wrote it down in the hope that he might change his mind one day.  What follows is one piece of that advice.  I trust it applies to all of us, regardless of age.

Too soon old, too late smart.

—Old Pennsylvania Dutch saying

This is not a complicated concept, but it’s deep, and most people never wake up to it until late in life.

The great philosopher Ferris Bueller once said, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” Truer words were never spoken. Life speeds by in the blink of an eye, and the older you get, the faster it seems to go.

In what will seem like two weeks, you’re going to be old. I don’t mean two weeks older than you are now; I mean old. Even as you read the words on this page, you are hurtling inescapably toward old age. Short of dying early, there’s nothing you can do to stop the process.

Most young people don’t really understand that today’s old fuddy-duddies are yesterday’s young punks. The reverse, of course, is that you are tomorrow’s old fuddy-duddy. Between now and then, you’ll probably have a series of jobs and eventually retire; possibly marry and have children and grandchildren of your own; make a fortune and probably spend most of it; and experience great excitement, great boredom, great joy, and great anguish.

In short, what happens between now and old age is the great adventure of life. Relish it, savor it, enjoy every moment. Imagine the things you’ll learn, the wisdom you’ll gain, the lives you’ll touch with each passing day and year. And the process doesn’t stop once you reach old age; the adventure continues until your final breath.

But there’s another secret here that you shouldn’t miss. The process of growing old is the process of living, which is to say that it is a wonderful and glorious process. It follows, then, that being old is not a thing to dread, but a badge of honor for a life well spent. It also follows that those who are old now have a lot to teach you.

You know that time flies. You know that it seems to go faster with each passing year. Each moment is precious; use it well. As Gandalf said in Tolkien’s The Fellowship of the Ring, “All we have to decide is what to do with the time that’s given to us.”

Decide wisely.

Lesson 7: Have a set of values and live by them.

Author's note: I am a compulsive advice-giver-always have been.  When my own son was in high school, he wasn't interested in his old man's advice so I wrote it down in the hope that he might change his mind one day.  What follows is one piece of that advice.  I trust it applies to all of us, regardless of age.

Beliefs constitute the basic stratum, that which lies deepest, in the architecture of our life. By them we live, and by the same token we rarely think of them.

—José Ortega y Gasset

Your values serve as your internal compass. They guide your actions. When you find yourself in a situation where you’re unsure of what to do, your personal belief system will tell you what is right to guide your actions.

This compass will be vitally important in countless situations throughout your life, especially when you find yourself under pressure. If you have a hard-wired set of values, you’ll be more likely to act in a way that you’ll be proud of afterwards.

In order to reap those benefits later, however, you have to take some time now to define for yourself what your values are.

You already have a set of values; you just need to clarify them in your own mind. Your values have been influenced over the years by your parents, teachers, mentors, role models, and friends. But while others have a hand in the process, your values must be your own—nobody else’s.

Fred “Mr. Rogers” Rogers once wrote, “I doubt that we can ever successfully impose values or attitudes or behaviors on children—certainly not by threat, guilt, or punishment.” That also holds true for adults, but it has never stopped people from trying—just human nature, I guess.

So the challenge for you is to separate the beliefs that belong to others from those that are really your own. Use your best judgment and try to sort through your own biases. Just as it doesn’t make sense to simply accept your parents’ values without testing them for yourself, it also doesn’t make sense to blindly reject those values out of youthful rebelliousness or a desire for independence.

If you believe something to be true, then it doesn’t matter where you first heard it. If it’s true, it’s true. Just make sure you can reconcile that truth in your own mind.

Understand also that your values and beliefs are likely to evolve over the years. But once you are clear about what you believe, you will find that the answers to tough questions will come much more easily.

Lesson 6: It’s time to take responsibility.

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Author's note: I am a compulsive advice-giver-always have been.  When my own son was in high school, he wasn't interested in his old man's advice so I wrote it down in the hope that he might change his mind one day.  What follows is one piece of that advice.  I trust it applies to all of us, regardless of age.

When I was a child, I spoke as a child,

I felt as a child, I thought as a child.

Now that I have become a man,

I have put away childish things.

—1 Corinthians 13:11

World English Bible 

 

In almost every state, once you reach the age of eighteen, you’re legally on your own. In the eyes of the law, you’re totally responsible for—and held accountable for—your own actions.

That fact frequently causes indignation in eighteen year olds. It most often takes the form of the old cliché “I’m old enough to die for my country, but I’m too young to buy a beer.”

Fair or not, that’s the way it is. And the sooner you embrace responsibility, the happier you’ll be. Being a responsible person is not a burden to be avoided. On the contrary, you now have the complete ability to determine the direction of your own life.

The idea of being a responsible adult is probably the greatest opportunity of your young life, but it comes at a price. We’ve already touched on the upside: you’re now your own person. You can live where and how you want, do whatever you want (as long as it’s legal), and do what you want with your life.

Now for the cost. It’s just the flip side of the same coin. You now have nobody but yourself to blame for almost everything. You—and only you—are responsible for every single aspect of your own life.

Actions have consequences; even inaction has consequences. It’s the price you pay to be in the game. Nothing’s free. You can do—or not do—just about anything you want. Just be willing to pay the price. As soon as you understand how the game works, you can make it work for you. You’ll wear responsibility as comfortably as the clothes on your back.

Many people never accept this simple concept, and as a result they are miserable until the day they die. They live what Thoreau called “lives of quiet desperation.” All the while, they blame cruel fate, cruel people, or a cruel world for their misery. They’d rather be unhappy than face the fact that they live in a world of their own making.

Don’t let that happen to you. Don’t blame anyone for your troubles—not even yourself. Take responsibility for the kind of person you will be, for creating your own life. You’ll find that—far from being a burden—responsibility is one of the secrets to a lifetime of happiness.

Lesson 4: Happiness is a permanent condition.

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Author's note: I am a compulsive advice-giver-always have been.  When my own son was in high school, he wasn't interested in his old man's advice so I wrote it down in the hope that he might change his mind one day.  What follows is one piece of the that advice.  I trust it applies to all of us, regardless of age.

Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy.

—Cynthia Nelms

Let’s clarify the difference between happiness and gladness. Gladness is a temporary feeling brought on by some good event or circumstance. Happiness is a permanent state of mind that remains unaffected by events or circumstances.

You were glad when you graduated from college or high school. You’d be glad—thrilled—if you won the lottery. Even something as momentous as the birth of a child causes gladness, but not happiness. As important as all these events are, they are circumstances—things which happen to or around you. They do not have the power to make you happy or unhappy. That power rests with you alone.

It’s quite simple, really. We create our own happiness by what we think and do. Earl Nightingale put it this way: “Happiness is a by-product of something else. It comes from the direction in which we’re moving.” This sentiment is in perfect accord with Martha Washington’s notion that happiness depends on our dispositions rather than our circumstances.

In other words, if you seek happiness directly, you’ll surely fail. It comes as a result of (1) making a decision to be a happy person, and (2) living the kind of worthwhile, useful life that leads to happiness.

Easier said than done? Not really. We’ve already established that you control both your decisions and your behavior.

I’m not asking you to become a different person—far from it. You are uniquely you, and that fact should be celebrated. But you’re not the exact same person today that you were at ten years old, are you? You’ve even changed some in the past year or two, right? And you’ll continue to evolve as you work your way through adulthood.

Most important, make the decision to consciously direct your own thinking and attitude. As you go through this book, let the lessons soak in. As you incorporate them into your daily living, I suspect that over time your behavior may change as well. After all, your behavior is bound to evolve over the years anyway, is it not? Why not exercise control over that change in a way that benefits you and those around you?

Lesson 2: It's all in your head.

 

Author's note: I am a compulsive advice-giver-always have been.  When my own son was in high school, he wasn't interested in his old man's advice so I wrote it down in the hope that he might change his mind one day.  What follows is one piece of the that advice.  I trust it applies to all of us, regardless of age.

There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.

—William Shakespeare

Early on, we must establish the premise that you, and only you, have control over your own thinking. This is an absolute truth, and you must accept it before going further.

To reject this premise is to view yourself as helpless, weak, and unable to think independently. Everyone knows on some level that they can control their minds, but most never consciously do it. Once you accept that you can control your thinking, the next step is to take responsibility for doing so.

Have you ever known anyone who only seemed to be happy when he or she was miserable? This may be because you can blame misery on someone else, but you must take personal responsibility in order to be happy. As Robert Anthony put it, “Most people would rather be certain they're miserable than risk being happy.”

What these miserable people can’t grasp is that their misery is their own fault, just as they would deserve the credit if they were happy. Both happiness and misery are results of simple decisions you make about your attitude.

Martha Washington said, “The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions, and not on our circumstances.” Follow this logic with me for a moment: if our happiness is determined by our disposition, and we can control that disposition, then we have the power to create our own happiness.

Your disposition is like a garden: if you pay attention to it and give it care, it will grow and flourish. If you ignore or neglect it, then weeds will creep in, the good stuff will die, and it will get ugly.

You are the gardener of your own disposition. It’s not a job that you can delegate to others, and it’s not going to happen on its own. If it’s going to get done, you will have to do it yourself. Don’t expect outside forces to provide that which you alone control.

All I’m asking of you right now is that you accept that you can control your own thinking and resolve to do so. Resolve—here and now—that you will not leave your own disposition to chance. Take responsibility for the kind of person you will be.