Lesson 7: Have a set of values and live by them.

Author's note: I am a compulsive advice-giver-always have been.  When my own son was in high school, he wasn't interested in his old man's advice so I wrote it down in the hope that he might change his mind one day.  What follows is one piece of that advice.  I trust it applies to all of us, regardless of age.

Beliefs constitute the basic stratum, that which lies deepest, in the architecture of our life. By them we live, and by the same token we rarely think of them.

—José Ortega y Gasset

Your values serve as your internal compass. They guide your actions. When you find yourself in a situation where you’re unsure of what to do, your personal belief system will tell you what is right to guide your actions.

This compass will be vitally important in countless situations throughout your life, especially when you find yourself under pressure. If you have a hard-wired set of values, you’ll be more likely to act in a way that you’ll be proud of afterwards.

In order to reap those benefits later, however, you have to take some time now to define for yourself what your values are.

You already have a set of values; you just need to clarify them in your own mind. Your values have been influenced over the years by your parents, teachers, mentors, role models, and friends. But while others have a hand in the process, your values must be your own—nobody else’s.

Fred “Mr. Rogers” Rogers once wrote, “I doubt that we can ever successfully impose values or attitudes or behaviors on children—certainly not by threat, guilt, or punishment.” That also holds true for adults, but it has never stopped people from trying—just human nature, I guess.

So the challenge for you is to separate the beliefs that belong to others from those that are really your own. Use your best judgment and try to sort through your own biases. Just as it doesn’t make sense to simply accept your parents’ values without testing them for yourself, it also doesn’t make sense to blindly reject those values out of youthful rebelliousness or a desire for independence.

If you believe something to be true, then it doesn’t matter where you first heard it. If it’s true, it’s true. Just make sure you can reconcile that truth in your own mind.

Understand also that your values and beliefs are likely to evolve over the years. But once you are clear about what you believe, you will find that the answers to tough questions will come much more easily.

Lesson 6: It’s time to take responsibility.

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Author's note: I am a compulsive advice-giver-always have been.  When my own son was in high school, he wasn't interested in his old man's advice so I wrote it down in the hope that he might change his mind one day.  What follows is one piece of that advice.  I trust it applies to all of us, regardless of age.

When I was a child, I spoke as a child,

I felt as a child, I thought as a child.

Now that I have become a man,

I have put away childish things.

—1 Corinthians 13:11

World English Bible 

 

In almost every state, once you reach the age of eighteen, you’re legally on your own. In the eyes of the law, you’re totally responsible for—and held accountable for—your own actions.

That fact frequently causes indignation in eighteen year olds. It most often takes the form of the old cliché “I’m old enough to die for my country, but I’m too young to buy a beer.”

Fair or not, that’s the way it is. And the sooner you embrace responsibility, the happier you’ll be. Being a responsible person is not a burden to be avoided. On the contrary, you now have the complete ability to determine the direction of your own life.

The idea of being a responsible adult is probably the greatest opportunity of your young life, but it comes at a price. We’ve already touched on the upside: you’re now your own person. You can live where and how you want, do whatever you want (as long as it’s legal), and do what you want with your life.

Now for the cost. It’s just the flip side of the same coin. You now have nobody but yourself to blame for almost everything. You—and only you—are responsible for every single aspect of your own life.

Actions have consequences; even inaction has consequences. It’s the price you pay to be in the game. Nothing’s free. You can do—or not do—just about anything you want. Just be willing to pay the price. As soon as you understand how the game works, you can make it work for you. You’ll wear responsibility as comfortably as the clothes on your back.

Many people never accept this simple concept, and as a result they are miserable until the day they die. They live what Thoreau called “lives of quiet desperation.” All the while, they blame cruel fate, cruel people, or a cruel world for their misery. They’d rather be unhappy than face the fact that they live in a world of their own making.

Don’t let that happen to you. Don’t blame anyone for your troubles—not even yourself. Take responsibility for the kind of person you will be, for creating your own life. You’ll find that—far from being a burden—responsibility is one of the secrets to a lifetime of happiness.

Lesson 5: Don’t look forward to happiness; live it now.

Author's note: I am a compulsive advice-giver-always have been.  When my own son was in high school, he wasn't interested in his old man's advice so I wrote it down in the hope that he might change his mind one day.  What follows is one piece of the that advice.  I trust it applies to all of us, regardless of age.

A great obstacle to happiness is to anticipate too great a happiness.

                                                                                                                           —Fontenelle
 

A young man I know moved with his family from a large northern city to a small southern town during the summer before his senior year in high school. Such a move would be a tough challenge for any young person, but it was especially hard on David. He had been happy and involved in his previous school, with lots of friends and activities. Now he was starting his senior year in an unfamiliar environment. He had no friends and found himself surrounded by a whole culture that was foreign to him. Sometimes, listening to the local accent and regional slang, he even had trouble understanding the language.

As you might imagine, David was wretchedly unhappy. He knew he’d be unhappy even before the move. The one thought that sustained him was his plan to move himself back to his old hometown immediately after graduation. He just knew that if he could get back home, everything would be fine again.

Graduation came and went. David packed some stuff in an old van, said goodbye to his parents, and pointed north. Once he got there, he got a job and settled into an apartment with a longtime friend as a roommate. And guess what? That’s right; he was still miserable.

Here’s an even more extreme example: Matt made a similar move just before his senior year. He moved from an even larger city—in France, no less—to tiny town in rural North Carolina. And Matt came alone, with no family and just a basic grasp of the English language. But far from being unhappy, Matt had a great senior year. He made lots of friends and got involved in many activities. The return to his home at the end of the year was bittersweet.

You see, David made several mistakes. First, he had a negative attitude about the move south. Second, he didn’t adapt to his new surroundings. Third, he thought that his happiness depended on his circumstances. And Matt? Well, Matt was an exchange student. He wanted to be there. As a result, his attitude was positive, he adapted quickly, and he relished the unfamiliar surroundings.

Decide to be happy now, in this moment, regardless of the circumstances. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that happiness will come later, once certain conditions are met. It won’t. Remember: happiness doesn’t come to you. You must create it within yourself.

Lesson 4: Happiness is a permanent condition.

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Author's note: I am a compulsive advice-giver-always have been.  When my own son was in high school, he wasn't interested in his old man's advice so I wrote it down in the hope that he might change his mind one day.  What follows is one piece of the that advice.  I trust it applies to all of us, regardless of age.

Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy.

—Cynthia Nelms

Let’s clarify the difference between happiness and gladness. Gladness is a temporary feeling brought on by some good event or circumstance. Happiness is a permanent state of mind that remains unaffected by events or circumstances.

You were glad when you graduated from college or high school. You’d be glad—thrilled—if you won the lottery. Even something as momentous as the birth of a child causes gladness, but not happiness. As important as all these events are, they are circumstances—things which happen to or around you. They do not have the power to make you happy or unhappy. That power rests with you alone.

It’s quite simple, really. We create our own happiness by what we think and do. Earl Nightingale put it this way: “Happiness is a by-product of something else. It comes from the direction in which we’re moving.” This sentiment is in perfect accord with Martha Washington’s notion that happiness depends on our dispositions rather than our circumstances.

In other words, if you seek happiness directly, you’ll surely fail. It comes as a result of (1) making a decision to be a happy person, and (2) living the kind of worthwhile, useful life that leads to happiness.

Easier said than done? Not really. We’ve already established that you control both your decisions and your behavior.

I’m not asking you to become a different person—far from it. You are uniquely you, and that fact should be celebrated. But you’re not the exact same person today that you were at ten years old, are you? You’ve even changed some in the past year or two, right? And you’ll continue to evolve as you work your way through adulthood.

Most important, make the decision to consciously direct your own thinking and attitude. As you go through this book, let the lessons soak in. As you incorporate them into your daily living, I suspect that over time your behavior may change as well. After all, your behavior is bound to evolve over the years anyway, is it not? Why not exercise control over that change in a way that benefits you and those around you?

Lesson 3: It’s not really about you

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Author's note: I am a compulsive advice-giver-always have been.  When my own son was in high school, he wasn't interested in his old man's advice so I wrote it down in the hope that he might change his mind one day.  What follows is one piece of the that advice.  I trust it applies to all of us, regardless of age.

Scientists are generally happier than artists, since they’re commonly lost in objective tasks and not examining their own navels.

—Bertrand Russell

One of the great ironies of life is that the only way to be personally fulfilled is to place your focus outside of yourself.

Consider the sad cases of any number of celebrities and professional athletes. Paris Hilton. Britney Spears. Lindsay Lohan. Marilyn Monroe. Judy Garland. Michael Jackson. Michael Vick. O.J. Simpson.  The list goes on and on and on.

What does this unfortunate but diverse group have in common? From a very early age, they were taught that they were special. All parents try to instill this thought in their children, but in these cases there was no accompanying sense of humility, no understanding of their need to fit into and improve the world around them. These young people were so special that the normal rules of behavior and obligation did not apply. Their goal in life was to show the world how beautiful, talented, and special they were, not to make a contribution to society.

In short, it was all about them.

I don’t know about you, but I have always felt deeply sorry for these sad individuals. What a miserable existence it must be to spend one’s entire life in the vacuum of self. But they are smart people; they must instinctively have known that this was not right, even though their so-called friends assured them that it was. Too often, the ironic result of this conflict is secret, agonizing insecurity and a futile search for meaning.

What does this have to do with you? Children are naturally and unavoidably self-centered creatures, and adults, in an effort to instill self-esteem, often magnify this mindset through their words and actions. As you approached adulthood yourself, you most likely came to realize that the world does not actually revolve around you. In that respect, you’re already several steps ahead of the group we’ve been discussing.

But here’s the kicker: true happiness, real fulfillment, and successful personal relationships can only be achieved when you shift your focus from yourself to others. That’s not to say that you should ignore or deny the things that make you special—quite the opposite. Cherish and develop them. Use those gifts to make a positive impact on the world around you. That is the way to real self-esteem.

Lesson 2: It's all in your head.

 

Author's note: I am a compulsive advice-giver-always have been.  When my own son was in high school, he wasn't interested in his old man's advice so I wrote it down in the hope that he might change his mind one day.  What follows is one piece of the that advice.  I trust it applies to all of us, regardless of age.

There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.

—William Shakespeare

Early on, we must establish the premise that you, and only you, have control over your own thinking. This is an absolute truth, and you must accept it before going further.

To reject this premise is to view yourself as helpless, weak, and unable to think independently. Everyone knows on some level that they can control their minds, but most never consciously do it. Once you accept that you can control your thinking, the next step is to take responsibility for doing so.

Have you ever known anyone who only seemed to be happy when he or she was miserable? This may be because you can blame misery on someone else, but you must take personal responsibility in order to be happy. As Robert Anthony put it, “Most people would rather be certain they're miserable than risk being happy.”

What these miserable people can’t grasp is that their misery is their own fault, just as they would deserve the credit if they were happy. Both happiness and misery are results of simple decisions you make about your attitude.

Martha Washington said, “The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions, and not on our circumstances.” Follow this logic with me for a moment: if our happiness is determined by our disposition, and we can control that disposition, then we have the power to create our own happiness.

Your disposition is like a garden: if you pay attention to it and give it care, it will grow and flourish. If you ignore or neglect it, then weeds will creep in, the good stuff will die, and it will get ugly.

You are the gardener of your own disposition. It’s not a job that you can delegate to others, and it’s not going to happen on its own. If it’s going to get done, you will have to do it yourself. Don’t expect outside forces to provide that which you alone control.

All I’m asking of you right now is that you accept that you can control your own thinking and resolve to do so. Resolve—here and now—that you will not leave your own disposition to chance. Take responsibility for the kind of person you will be.

Lesson 1: Attitude is everything

Author's note: I am a compulsive advice-giver-always have been.  When my own son was in high school, he wasn't interested in his old man's advice so I wrote it down in the hope that he might change his mind one day.  What follows is one piece of the that advice.  I trust it applies to all of us, regardless of age.

If you don't like something, change it.  If you can't change it, change your attitude.  Don't complain.
   
                                                                                                -Maya Angelou

Your attitude is the prime factor in some of the most important things in your life: personal happiness, success in your career, the quality of personal relationships, effectiveness in getting what you want, ability to deal with problems, and how others view you.

Let’s take a fresh look at what’s rightly been called “the magic word.”

For the record, Houghton Mifflin’s American Heritage Steadman’s Medical Dictionary defines attitude as: “A relatively stable and enduring predisposition to behave or react in a certain way.”

Think about the phrase “relatively stable.” Your attitude doesn’t change with each situation. It generally holds true wherever you are and whatever you’re doing.

This next bit is one of life’s greatest lessons, elegant in its sheer truth and simplicity:

A great attitude will result in a great life.

A lousy attitude will result in a lousy life.

You have complete and total control over your own attitude, so choose wisely.

The single greatest thing you can do for yourself is to adopt and keep a positive attitude about everything in your life. Wouldn’t you rather enjoy life than trudge through each day with a dark cloud over your head, dreading the next hour, wishing for something you can’t define? You can have that good life. You just have to make the decision, and then put it into practice every day.

Studies have shown that the one trait that’s always present in highly successful people is—you guessed it—a great attitude.

Almost all of the lessons to follow relate in some way or other to this one. Burn it into your subconscious. Believe it. Live it, and you cannot fail.