Lesson 15: Relax, and expect the best.

Author's note: I am a compulsive advice-giver-always have been.  When my own son was in high school, he wasn't interested in his old man's advice so I wrote it down in the hope that he might change his mind one day.  What follows is one piece of that advice.  I trust it applies to all of us, regardless of age.

Those who look for beauty, find it.

—Unknown

Let’s review the concepts we’ve talked about so far:

Your attitude is the prime factor in achieving long-term happiness, career success, fulfilling relationships, and triumph over adversity (Lesson 1). What’s more, you have complete control over your own thinking (2). Thinking only of yourself is a recipe for disaster; personal fulfillment comes from improving the world around you (3). Happiness does not come from your circumstances—if it is to come, you must create it for yourself (4). And you can create it, here and now (5). Embracing personal responsibility gives you the ability to determine your own destiny (6). Your personal values system is the internal compass which guides your actions (7). Time is slipping by; you can’t slow it down, so every moment is precious (8). Perhaps for the first time, you are now in a position to really live the Golden Rule (9). Forgiveness gives you the power to liberate yourself and others (10). The secret to living a regret-free life is to be bold (11). You can’t always change your circumstances, but you can adapt and make the most of them (12). Your expectations will probably come true (13). Don’t feel bad if you haven’t made the most of your life up to now, because it’s never too late to start creating your future (14).

The recurring theme throughout this list is as simple as it is meaningful: You have the power to shape your own destiny.

That is a fact. If you haven’t thought about it before now, take a few minutes to let it sink in. That power rests entirely with you. Nobody can take it from you without your permission.

So relax and know that all is well. Start believing that life will bring you everything you want. Decide to take control of your destiny by taking control of your life. Expect the best, and know that it will happen for you.

Lesson 14: It’s never too late.

Author's note: I am a compulsive advice-giver-always have been.  When my own son was in high school, he wasn't interested in his old man's advice so I wrote it down in the hope that he might change his mind one day.  What follows is one piece of that advice.  I trust it applies to all of us, regardless of age.

Self-forgiveness means accepting the fact that you will never have a better past.

—Dan Sullivan

You’re lucky to have your whole life ahead of you. You’re able to choose how you will live it. Many people wake up in middle age to the realization that the life they have lived is not the life they wanted. This often results in regret, disappointment, and a mid-life crisis.

I enjoy watching Dog Whisperer with Cesar Millan on the National Geographic Channel. It follows real-life dog expert Cesar Millan as he works with people and their pets. Millan finds that problem behavior is more often caused by the human owner than by the dog.

Many of his clients have rescued their pets from abusive or neglectful situations. The owners mistakenly believe that their dogs’ behavior problems are caused by bad memories, when in fact the owner’s worry is to blame.

Millan points out that dogs don’t care about—or even remember—the past. “Dogs live in the now,” Millan says. “They don’t care about their past lives. If you give them exercise, discipline, and affection, they will be happy and well-adjusted.”

Maybe we could learn a thing or two from dogs. Whatever bad stuff has happened in the past, leave it there—in the past. You’re an adult now. Childhood was just the warm-up act; now is the time for you to take control of your own well-being. As Cesar Millan would say: live in the now. If a dog can do it, surely so can you!

Of course, you can’t just live in the now. To paraphrase Dickens’s A Christmas Carol, you should live in the past, the present, and the future. But don’t let the past rule you.

Who you are today is a composite result of everything that you have experienced in the past. Recognize that fact, but resist the temptation to go back. Don’t regret or wonder, “What if?” Your life is here and now. By the same token, you must look ahead, to the future. Decide where you want to go, and start moving in that direction. If you don’t, you could find yourself in a life that goes nowhere.

So here’s the trick: cherish all the good stuff from the past, let go of all the bad stuff, and envision the future that you want for yourself. Then use the present to begin creating that future.

Lesson 13: Your expectations will usually come true.

Author's note: I am a compulsive advice-giver-always have been.  When my own son was in high school, he wasn't interested in his old man's advice so I wrote it down in the hope that he might change his mind one day.  What follows is one piece of that advice.  I trust it applies to all of us, regardless of age.

You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them.

—Michael Jordan

It’s called the Pygmalion Effect—also known as the self-fulfilling prophecy—and it’s real. If we expect a positive outcome, we’ll probably get it. If we expect a negative outcome, it’s likely to happen.

A lot of research has been done on school children in this area. Robert Rosenthal and Lenoir Jacobson performed studies at elementary schools where teachers were given the names of a select group of high-achieving students. The teachers were told that because these kids were so intelligent, they would probably excel over their lower-performing classmates.

Sure enough, those smart kids performed like smart kids. They got good grades, and they generally showed significant improvement on end-of-the-year tests. There was only one catch: the “smart” kids weren’t really any smarter than the others. In fact, they had been chosen completely at random.

The real difference had been the expectations of the teachers—and as a result, their treatment of the students. Later studies have confirmed this effect in adults as well.

Your expectations become your own self-fulfilling prophecy. This applies to events both big and small. The reason is simple: if you really believe that you will do a great job, your subconscious mind will guide your behavior to be consistent with that belief, and you will indeed be an outstanding employee, student, or whatever.

If, on the other hand, you view yourself as not being good at something, you’ll have no motivation to improve. What would be the point? You know you can’t do it, so why waste your time trying to get better?

Do you see where this is going? Just knowing about the self-fulfilling prophecy can be a tremendous help to you in your life. Remember: you have complete control over your own thinking. It naturally follows that you have control over your own expectations.

So what’s it going to be? You can expect misfortune—and almost certainly bring it on—or you can expect great things from yourself. Just remember that you have no one but yourself to blame for your own expectations.

Lesson 12: Be flexible—to a point.

Author's note: I am a compulsive advice-giver-always have been.  When my own son was in high school, he wasn't interested in his old man's advice so I wrote it down in the hope that he might change his mind one day.  What follows is one piece of that advice.  I trust it applies to all of us, regardless of age.

The really happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery when on a detour.

—Unknown

When I was in graduate school, a professor gave me a criticism which I took to be a backhanded compliment. “The problem with you, young man,” he said, “is that you’re always trying to change the rules to suit you.”

Obviously, we can’t always change the rules to our liking. The fact that we don’t agree with something doesn’t mean we can ignore it. You may think the speed limit is unreasonably low on a certain road, but if you speed on that road, you’ll still get a ticket. Many, many circumstances are totally beyond your ability to direct. Your success or failure under those circumstances will depend largely on your response to them—in other words, you have to adapt.

Here are a few examples. Let’s say you want a particular job, but it goes to the boss’s nephew instead. Maybe you’re in love with someone and want to marry him or her, but for whatever reason it doesn’t work out. Perhaps the company you work for goes out of business, and you lose your job. A loved one dies. You’re injured in an auto accident or suffer a serious disease. The list of possible scenarios is endless.

These are the proverbial cards that you have been dealt. You can’t trade them in for another hand; you must play the cards you have right now. Now is when you must adapt. Recognize the reality and respond accordingly.

George Washington is one of my favorite historical figures. Perhaps his greatest trait was his ability to see a situation as it really was, not as he wished it to be. His actions were guided largely by the situation itself: he planned his moves to make the best possible use of the circumstances, and wherever possible, he tried to turn those circumstances to his advantage.

You can do the same thing. It’s a two-step process. First, view every situation through realistic eyes. Don’t kid yourself. Second, shape your response to make the most of the circumstances.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that you should give up your personal autonomy or allow yourself to be tossed and turned like a boat without a rudder. No sailor can control the wind, but a good sailor uses the existing wind to sail to the destination of his own choosing.